Relationship Trend (Contra-Dating)

All About the Context of Contra-Dating

When two single hearts mingle, they talk, connect, forge a romantic relationship, break into each other’s personal spaces and take it to a further level to legally and socially formalise their union by walking to the altar. This is the most familiar or pretty predictable picture of dating couples who are a little more involved and attached for good reasons. However, reality check often shows the bigger perspective of a story woven with teeming discrepancies wherein partners find it too difficult to validate their intimacy despite going steady around for years. Here enters the option of contra-dating that spurs prospective partner hunters to modify and enrich their profiles with details that sound promising to bring a twist to their tale of love and loyalty and help them soul search.

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By PRAMITA BOSE

Overlooking Compatibility

In contra-dating, you look beyond like-mindedness and matching qualities to expand your options in partner search. Notwithstanding the boundaries that you have set so far, your likes and dislikes could undergo cosmetic changes or be altered to accommodate the other person’s preferences and who knows, one day you might be trying your hand at bowling in an alley of a clubhouse instead of attending a reputed author’s title launch at a premium city bookstore or an exhibition at an art gallery or a theatrical performance in an auditorium, which the culture vulture in you normally does.

On one hand, you are introduced to your sporty side, while on the other, you get those misgivings about settling for someone drastically so different or in some cases, may be inferior to your predetermined standards. Hence, there are both pros and cons of this ‘situationship’ wherein you are yet to put a tag on the relationship status with a label of commitment but are still doubtful about its future.

Is It the Greatest Bargain?

“The current-day youth represents busybodies, controlled by the internet 24X7. With the stakes of online dating being tremendously high, the contra choice seems the most frequently tried-and-tested formula to meet one’s spouses,” asserts noted sex and relationship expert Tammy Nelson.

“If you are seeking partners with offbeat lifestyles and outlooks to lend a zing to your patent ways, you are of course then venturing to take risks. Readjusting the done-to-death relationship types and break-up patterns to taste different waters could be too adventurous but as they say, variety is the spice of life, one must restart from zero to wrap his/her head around something that appears challenging and strange. This not only aids in smashing the hackneyed partner-search cycle but also initiates the journey of finding someone who’s a genuine gem,” elaborates Ravi Mittal, founder & CEO of QuackQuack, a leading Indian dating and matchmaking platform.

Change is Constant

Obtaining a bird’s eye view of the world and hitting a mutual path despite disagreements, daters on contra-dating platforms — whether in digital chatrooms or through face-to-face dialogues — are always drawn towards experimenting with circumstances that evoke disparate attributes and inconsistent demands rather than adhering to their premeditated norms.

“They wish to see the other side of the established spectrum. More than wanting to go in the family way with someone special and remaining cocooned in the nucleus of a love nest, the couples just long to have fun and pick the hitherto untouched pebbles of life with a thirst for reinventing themselves. Such an engagement is like a soul-searching trip, particularly among people who feel lost and empty in their existing affairs. The trend is motivated by a desire to fancy someone to negotiate with whose standpoint appears to be a complete opposite of the date chaser’s,” volunteers Sybil Shidell, relationship manager, Gleeden (India), the first extramarital dating website for those already married and committing adultery.

Market Potential

Statistics reveal that a considerable percentage of people is opting for the contra-dating trend. “Our recent survey showed that approximately 23% of men and women from the Tier 1 and 2 Indian cities claimed to have found their perfect matches when they stepped out of their comfort zone and went for a paradigm shift to win hearts. Additionally, 12% of women disclosed in a study that contra-dating helped them realise that their ‘habitual type’ is not the right tool for them to net in interests and proposals for a successful alliance,” informs Mittal.

The latest review conducted by Gleeden with Ipsos (a global leader in market research) unveils some insightful evidences suggesting that this trend is on the upswing.

“About 34 per cent of Indians above 40 said that they feel trapped in their present relationships with lack of enough love, care or attention. Contra-dating looks to be a welcome relief for these lonesome souls, who seek mates possessing traits that are not easily found in their close-knit social networks,” evaluates Shidell. Additionally, 54% of middle-aged adults is open to having a close association with someone other than their current spouse, especially those from cities like Bengaluru, Mumbai and New Delhi. This willingness to consider other options implies that a sizeable chunk may be adopting contra-dating as a ladder to bridge life's gaps with something enchanting,” she further claims.

Coming of Age

The millennials and the Gen-Z prefer fixing their own matches and not by arrangement under parental guidance. “Well, contra-dating can denote a sign of true adulthood and independence. Selecting dates that are different like chalk and cheese from the past affiliations may hint at your quest for somebody not so drop dead gorgeous in looks but with whom you may enter into a more realistic realm of long-term intimacy,” analyses Nelson, who’s a licensed couples’ therapist and the director of the Integrative Sex Therapy Institute.

A slow but consistent stance clicks at times when the art of ‘simmer dating’ pays off. “It involves taking ample time in dating and getting to know each other well before exchanging lifelong vows and making solemn promises. With so many options available online, both men and women are taking it slow to get up, close and personal before diving straight into the foreplay act. The ‘friends-with-benefits agreement’ is now being amended as ‘serious dating and meaningful conversations’ first followed with ‘biding time for intimacy’ later,” enlightens Nelson.

Hidden Fears

More often than not, such experimental dating trends may push users to the darker alleys of the cyber world wherein masquerades like catfishing (to rob another person's complete identity, including photos, date of birth and geographical location to pose as him/her) and kitten fishing are rampant with fake profiles, cyber bullies and attacks, money laundering, privacy breaches, sexual abuses plus other fraudulent practices. Prima facie, enhancing one's profile with exaggerated titbits and indulging in flirtatious sexting appear as harmless exercises. But how safe is it to deal with people who are almost strangers? Can this land one in trouble?

Due to the pervasive threat of online deception as well as ensnaring of innocents via random content put out by hordes of cyber predators on the prowl, consumers are turning more circumspective with each passing day. Hence, for the unversed, scrolling pages for potential dates can be an onerous task. The younger lot looks nothing less than transparency after hours of cherry-picking.

Avalanching When Alone

Life coaches and dating experts minutely map the dating patterns to help people fulfill their targets in personal life as well as regarding relationship matters. They highlight that sometimes, people suffering pains of alienation and pining for companionship become very desperate to look for partners, specifically before social festivities and celebratory occasions like the Valentine's Day when love is felt in the air around and mushy overtures are strewn everywhere. Avalanching is such a behavioral pattern in the dating domain, which impels people to glance through the gallery and tick suitable profiles with courting messages in anticipation of tapping someone interesting.

“Avalanching may be depicted as a casual approach, more as a pastime during a definite phase. People are willing to bend to compromise on their routine dating predilections and to that end, prep for it. This could be a little dicey as daters tend to lower their expectations of searching perfect matches for them, thereby falling short of their conventional benchmarks,” confirms dating coach Udit Rao.

Twinkle of Hope at Twilight

Given the voluminous experiences of life that aged people go through, is contra-dating emerging as an apt avenue for the elderly singles, married or divorcees who are looking to play a second innings in their lives?

“The sunset years could be sunnier with this contra-dating option. It is a fantastic proposition for mature daters and senior singles,” assures Mittal. “Though their lifetime of experience is priceless, they are more prone to sticking to traditions. Thus, breaking free of a customary mindset can help them find a partner who can balance their new priorities and be in happy harmony with them. This could be very liberating considering their compliance with rigid rules for decades. Contra-dating could also help them reignite their long-forgotten qualities or recognise their renewed aspirations on the road ahead,” he elucidates.

Seconding his opinion, Shidell agrees that “contra-dating can be immensely rewarding for older candidates. Many individuals at a ripe age experience desolation and seclusion from the mainstream society. They yearn for emotional support and physiological gratification that instill a spirit of adventure.”

According to consumer polls, 45% of Indians hitting midlife crisis thinks that it's better to seek solace outside the wedlock if it loses the yesteryear charm and magic, while 34% affirms that current partnerships don't provide enough psychological boost to rekindle the fading conjugal chemistry.

“This segment of dating platform subscribers is in quest of something that deviates from the age-old scenario, which otherwise tends to rerun the episodes of their previous failed or dull relationships. Contra-dating in this context comes in handy. It allows them to hook up with those who show them a different world, thereby exposing them to a new set of ideas and daring escapades,” apprises Shidell.

Dope on Trending Dating Patterns

Apps like Bumble, Hinge, Match, OkCupid, Tinder, Eharmony, Happn, Coffee Meets Bagel, SilverSingles, Zoosk, Facebook Dating, Aisle, TrulyMadly, Mingle2, among others are generating a huge craze amid the dating community and are much-touted on social media. Some of the dating trends gaining momentum at the moment are given below:

1. Simmer Dating — Consumer survey samples prove that this trend is acquiring significant traction, especially among the Gen-Z. It's a slow-paced approach to dating as in cooking on simmering fire or a low flame where daters are ditching the prior preferred rapid-fire matching and quick appointments and are opting for gradual buildups instead. Four in five users shifted to this sensible practice claiming that a relationship growing organically over time becomes more durable. This appeals to people who particularly value strong emotional bonds over romantic link-ups.

2. Blank Canvassing — The year 2024 witnesses dating trends focusing on mental health and this one is no different. Daters are taking time to reflect on their past relationships, assess the effect of the same on their mental canvas, concentrate on moving on first and then ensure that they are never going to get back in similar love games under peer pressure or out of sheer FOMO.

3. R-Bombing — This new pattern is a strange case where a person you fall head over heels for reads your messages but doesn’t revert.

4. Eco-Dating — As people's awareness of the environment grows, they carefully select partners who have similar sustainability goals. Eco-dating enables couples to liaise over common environmental objectives, from selecting eco-friendly rendezvous locations to giving priority to low-waste activities.

5. Sneaky-Link Dating — The thrill of secrecy and low-key affairs is the main attraction of sneaky-link dating, which is especially popular during holiday seasons. Dating app members have inconspicuous relationships or meet-ups, which add an element of surprise, suspense and mystery for them. It's about keeping the spark alive while balancing social and familial obligations.

6. Extramarital Dating — Singles using extramarital dating apps can benefit from the anonymity that the same offers. This restricts visibility and accessibility to anyone and everyone on the app. It provides people with the luxury of dating in a protected and secure environment without the risk of stumbling upon an acquaintance out of the blue. Think of newly-divorced singles or people who just walked out of a relationship facing embarrassment at a public dating hub and presumably being left red-faced.

7. Intuitive Intimacy — For present-day daters, especially women, attraction boils down to emotional intimacy more than physical proximity. This is like emo-dating that looks to form a profound emotional connect. One honestly endeavours to hug true love instead of having a fling or a timepass.

8. Val-Core Dating — This lays an emphasis on active participation in social and noble causes like welfare politics, human rights issues and programmes for the common good. Some daters consciously look for prospective partners who are involved in social awareness drives and think this to be a cool quality to pull them like a magnet.

9. Conscious Dating — This revolves around deep talks and candid discussions even on taboo topics like biting into the forbidden fruit. People are now more wary of who they are dating, quite open about their mental well-being and prefer hanging out with partners who accept them as they are. This saves them from having superficial encounters.

10. Wanderlove — A dating trend where people extend their search for love like an elastic band outside their own much-acquainted territories, which they are most accustomed to, by making it more varied and flexible. It's a strategy for those who feel bogged down by what's in the offing within their local dens.

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