Relationship Trend (Monkey-Barring)

 

Don’t Monkey-Bar, Stick Around for Stability

Love doves meet, connect, get up, close and personal and then after months of a sweet honeymooning phase, all hell breaks loose with disparities and frequent bickerings pouring in. Then one partner looks for another without detaching the present one who has no clue what’s going on and stemming from their spat. Is this called monkey-barring? Get a no-holds-barred view on this latest dating pattern…

 

By PRAMITA BOSE

Jonathan has been going steady with Emily for the past five years. Rumour mills were recently rife with the whispers surrounding the two love birds that they were even planning to move in to a live-in accommodation. But is trouble already brewing in their paradise! Is he contemplating a break-up from his current girl friend? Is tediousness settling in between the couple? Is a possible rift developing in their relationship? Well, one could keep conjecturing these probabilities behind his escapist stance but what is discernibly striking in this matter is that when a man is already committed to his lady love, then why would he at all need to hunt another soulmate? Well, that's what monkey-barring, the latest dating trend, is all about.

Switch on and off

“You will obviously come across this pattern if you are an inquisitive dater in today’s partner-pursuing community. But the key is, not to embrace this habit blindly, rather understand it with enough depth. It is important to protect your emotional space from the masqueraders and choose partners judiciously for your own good,” advises ace relationship coach Suchetaa.

“If you ever feel befuddled, hurt or stuck in this vicious cycle, watch out for the red flags and exercise prudence. Please don’t ignore those warnings for God’s sake. Instead, talk it up to someone who thoroughly comprehends such offensive designs and can help you navigate the dating nitty-gritty with clarity of thought and self-respect,” cautions Suchetaa, who runs her own website (https://www.coachsuchetaa.com).

A Gen-Z phenomenon?

Is this dating pattern more common among the millennials and Gen Z since they are always offered multiple options and spoilt for choice in life? Right from exam papers with MCQs (multiple-choice questions) to raiding a virtual gallery for their online shopping carts, Gen Z and Gen Alpha are never satisfied with one aspect. Similarly, they get to swipe right and left on the dating sites in terms of picking their potential partners.

“Frankly speaking, it’s not exclusively a Gen Z or millennial thing anymore. Today, with the penetration of dating apps, social media and constant connectivity, everyone irrespective of the age factor, has more options at his/her disposal than ever before,” fathoms Suchetaa.

Evidently, even middle-aged and senior people can have the urge to monkey-bar as they hit midlife crisis, wade through menopause and their biological clock also ticks, prompting them to look for greener pastures. “This isn’t about a generation per se but actually how we deal with discomfort, commitment and emotional gaps,” she chips in.

“When someone feels stuffy, trapped, unhappy or unfulfilled in their relationship, and stepping out feels easier than fixing things, they start looking elsewhere. Mutual divorce can seem overwhelming then. So, people sometimes choose these in-between, unclear zones instead,” she further notes.

The ideal situation would be to stay on, work through their struggles and fight for their relationships, recommend counsellors. There’s no alternative to the hard inner work or having a frank dialogue between the two to clear the air or facing their fears and building something real.

It’s true that the Gen Z enjoys far more exposure and a seamless access to varied, infinite digital platforms at present. “They are more open to casual liaisons and exploring multiple possibilities,” avers reputed life coach Ruchi Dwivedi.

Nevertheless, she too echoes that her experience says, this pattern is not limited to one age group alone. “I have seen people even in their late 30s, 40s or even 50s engaging in similar behaviours, leaving their stable partners in the lurch for a more coveted and compatible one. The apparent conjugal bliss crumbles in no time. This is more about mindset, emotional awareness, and how people cope with their needs and dissatisfaction,” Dwivedi decodes the psychology behind such rash actions.

Delhi-based 26-year-old Achal Garg begs to disagree with the point stating that “it’s obvious to direct fingers at Gen Z and their swipe culture but this behaviour predates dating sites like Tinder by decades. What's changed is visibility. Dating apps have made the options feel endless and the grass perpetually greener. When you can see 200 potential matches before breakfast, lingering in one relationship takes real and honest intention.”

So yes, the ‘too many and too much’ mindset is amplified for younger generations, he confesses. “However, it’s less about their character and more about the environment they have been thrown into. The apps don’t create the anxiety of missing out a loved one anymore but lend a touch-sensitive home screen with countless avenues to mobile phone users to tap into,” he said.

 

Zero interval

In case of monkey-barring or branch-hopping, people hardly keep a gap in between their relationships. It’s like changing seasons without a break. Is this because people fear to remain single, face rejection and estrangement or suffer the pangs of loneliness and isolation?

“You know, many people have a strong need to always have someone like a pillar or a wall to lean on in their lives. Without that, they feel a certain emptiness or void inside them as if there is no one to add that zing to their existence, pep up their mood or make them feel excited about life. So, a taste of variety for them always adds that dash of spice to their world,” claims Dwivedi.

“At the same time, there is also an impulse to dodge things instead of confronting the same to resolve issues in their current relationship. It feels more secure and convenient to shift gears to some unfamiliar terrain. You may dub this an opportunistic posture. So, it’s not just about the loneliness niggle. It’s also about lack of emotional resilience and unwillingness to iron out the creases,” she argues.

30-something Mumbai-based architect Mandavi Bhosale concedes that “the much-awaited time spent with yourself is actually having to meet yourself and mouth a soliloquy, grieve properly, cleanse your heart crying buckets for that cathartic effect, figure out what went wrong and what you genuinely long for in times ahead. Skipping that is like flipping through several pages of chapters without completing a sentence. You carry the unresolved burden of guilt, bitterness and problems right into the succeeding relationship, doubting why the whole vibe feels oddly similiar all over again.”

Love all

Some people are by nature polyamorous. They prefer having multiple romantic partners or love interests at the same time. While casual flirting and flings sound harmless, things could spiral out of one’s control if the original partner remains clueless and disadvantaged. How injurious is this secretive behaviour that leads to betrayal?

There’s a world of difference between someone who is candidly polygamous and someone using that label as a cover-up to allay the damage done beyond repair, suggest marital experts.

“Casual coquetry, innocuous banter and even deep emotional links can coexist with a committed relationship if there’s transparency and mutual faith or consent. The moment it becomes cagey, it becomes destructive,” avers experienced relationship manager Nishanth Iyer from Chennai, who works with a matrimonial site.

“Betrayal isn’t really about the act; it’s about the deception layered around it. It’s like rewriting a ‘two’s company’ story with a third invisible angle that ‘makes three’s a crowd’ without one partner’s involvement in it. The ‘other woman’ or the ‘other man’ in this triangular equation automatically intrudes into the couple’s private space,” he wraps up.

Whether someone chooses monogamy or multiple partners is completely a personal choice. But what really hurts beneath the skin is the clandestine nature of dealing with things, which could be termed as backstabbing, say life coaches.

“Things go awry when someone else ends up getting emotionally invested in something they didn’t sign up for. He or she may not have the slightest inkling of what’s going on behind their back. And that’s where the real misery lies — loss of trust and a lot of emotional pain in this bargain are witnessed by those at the receiving end. One needs to be clear and upfront to naturally attract people who want the same kind of reciprocation in love,” says Suchetaa.

Today, one-night stands may seem no big deal with the free-mixing scenario having gained momentum but at a deeper level, every interaction — especially sexual/physical — creates both emotional and energetic impact, feel experts.

“Over time, this can evoke dichotomy, mental heaviness, apprehension or even an inability to form consistent and reliable connections. So while it may look normal socially, internally it sparks a feud and lots of disturbance,” said Dwivedi.

 

Friends and lovers

Many people show in-your-face uprightness by declaring their status to be in a situationship or be ‘just good friends’ or strictly being ‘friends with benefits’, with both partners consenting to the agreement. Do you think this is better than ditching a partner?

“I have enormous respect for people who have the nerve to be that straightforward. Acknowledging something that is messy or unconventional takes a lot of guts for a person than playacting. A situationship with both people sincerely being on the same page is way healthier than a committed relationship fostered on illusions,” views Garg.

“The only caveat here is to make sure the consent is real and not just assumed or pretentious. Sometimes a person nods to a casual arrangement, hoping it’ll evolve and that’s where even the most truthful and trustworthy labels could collapse. So, be doubly sure of your mind, mean what you say and do a reality check before taking the plunge,” he proposes.

 

Patience is key

Often people complain about their current partner to someone else who has a soft spot for them, i.e. the complainant, thus arousing the listener’s hidden feelings and setting themselves up for a future romantic escapade. Is this because people are too fickle-minded nowadays? They tend to lose charm, trust and patience in a relationship too soon without weathering their chemistry and working it out as a couple?

Even the smallest iota of a romantic possibility, if any, gets nipped in the bud before developing into a lifelong partnership as loyalties oscillate like a pendulum, people sit on the fence being indecisive, lack depth and gravity in their approach — eventually dooming the fate of their relationship.

“I follow a simple rule by asking my clients not to contact their exes. Clearing your backlog saves you from an impending disaster and you can’t advance in life with a baggage from the past. So, better axe the unwanted excess. Get this loud and clear in your head: your exes can’t be your friends,” advocates Suchetaa.

It is not at all a good idea to get swayed and carried away with sentiments that could override one’s conscience and judgemental power only to regret it later. “I wouldn’t call people whimsical. I think most are emotionally vulnerable in a weak moment. When something feels missing in a relationship, we naturally look for someone who understands us and give us a shoulder to cry over. And if that person already has a soft corner for you, it can quietly shape into something more without you even realising when the lines got blurred and crossed. This might lead to repentance afterwards,” she instructs.

Adultery and the dark web world

Infidelity is nothing new in relationships, be it marital or in courtship stages. But today’s dating platforms, social networking sites and matrimonial portals have invariably triggered noxious behavioural patterns like ghosting (abruptly cutting off ties with romantic interests or a potential date), catfishing (duping with fake profiles and images or feigned online identities), benching (keeping someone waiting on the reserve bench as a backup project while chasing other romantic probabilities) and so on. Do you think, digital revolution has evoked heinous crimes and perpetrators in the cyber world?

Sexual predators, repeat offenders, emotional blackmailers, hackers or fraudsters with unholy nexus take victims for a jolly ride. People smooth talk and cosy up to swindle preys in the virtual sphere by siphoning out their funds or toy with their emotions. This kind of provocation poses a threat to put one in shambles and even ruin his/her life by pushing them to the edge of a drastic step.

“I would say the digital world has amplified these behaviours. It hasn’t created culprits from scratch,” ratifies Dwivedi. “Technology has made the access to invade someone’s privacy quite hassle-free. As a consequence, the trespasser’s chances got wider and exits quicker. It is now a child’s play to disconnect without one’s accountability. But at the core, it still boils down to an individual’s mindset and awareness. Someone has to set strong boundaries and raise a ticket to keep such miscreants at bay,” she offers.

Today, the attackers remain hooded and obscure, and can disappear with one click without a hitch. They impersonate, build a mysterious aura around them and keep multiple people hooked to their covert activities without facing immediate penalties and ramifications. “Well, you can’t regulate the digital channels and their bearings on your life but you can certainly learn how to seal the chinks in your armour, safeguard your abode and personal database, detect any blips to be flipped urgently and choose always the right and what’s best for you,” intimates Suchetaa.

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